On Thursday, July 23, GenPride’s monthly Queering Intersectional Aging series tackled one of the most profound topics facing LGBTQ+ communities today: how identity continues to evolve throughout our lives.
Moderated by Pamela, GenPride’s Training and Education Coordinator, the virtual panel, “Aging and Evolving Identities,” brought together LGBTQ+ elders alongside healthcare professionals from Swedish Medical Center to discuss coming out later in life, gender identity, chosen family, affirming healthcare, and the importance of continuing to see older adults as people who are still growing—not simply growing older.
“We live in a society that’s very obsessed with youth,” Pamela said in her opening remarks. “The biggest assumption is that older adults magically stop evolving. We think people reach a final form.” She challenged those assumptions by reminding attendees that LGBTQ+ seniors continue to discover new aspects of themselves, build relationships, and redefine identity throughout their lives.
That message became the thread connecting every story shared throughout the hour-long conversation.
There Is No Expiration Date on Self-Discovery
One of the panel’s most moving moments came from Joan Petrie, a resident of Seattle’s Pride Place, who described herself as “a late bloomer.”
“I only came out to myself at about 49,” Petrie shared.
After moving from the Midwest to Seattle at age 50, she discovered an entirely different culture of acceptance.
“My friends told me, ‘Don’t move to Milwaukee—move to Seattle.’ They said they couldn’t explain how different it was. They were right.”
Now approaching 70, Petrie says she’s begun identifying as nonbinary after conversations with younger friends.
“I love how younger people see gender. It’s almost a non-issue. I’m on board with that.”
Her story illustrated one of the panel’s central themes: identity isn’t fixed at adolescence or adulthood—it continues evolving well into later life.
Coming Out at 45—and Finally Burning Down the Closet Door
John Brunell offered another deeply personal reflection.
Growing up in the 1970s, fear kept him from living authentically.
“I got married because I was afraid not to.”
Years of shame eventually led to alcoholism before he realized sobriety required honesty.
“When I was 45, I came out to my wife because I knew I couldn’t stay closeted and get sober.”
The couple remained together for eight more years while raising their son before Brunell said he finally “burned down the closet door.”
His parents struggled with his identity—his mother eventually told him he was no longer her son—but Brunell says authenticity ultimately gave him peace.
“My guiding principle has always been, ‘To thine own self be true.’ I even have it tattooed on my arm.”
Finding Yourself After a Lifetime of Living for Others
Sean’s story revealed yet another path many LGBTQ+ seniors experience.
After marrying, raising children, supporting a gay son, and losing her husband, she eventually realized it was finally time to live authentically.
“When my husband passed away, I thought, ‘This is my opportunity to live my life for me.'”
Moving to Seattle surrounded her with an affirming LGBTQ+ community that helped her begin asking questions she’d never allowed herself to ask before.
“I kind of felt like I’d been let out of a gate,” she said while describing finally embracing her sexuality later in life.
At age 63, however, she also recognized that exploring intimacy looks different than it does at 19.
“I think we’re always sexual beings. It doesn’t disappear. It just changes.”
Healthcare Begins With Listening
Joining the panel were Swedish physicians Dr. Naima Munir, Dr. Tara, Dr. Christina, and longtime Seattle HIV specialist Dr. Peter Shalit, who collectively emphasized one recurring message:
Don’t make assumptions.
Dr. Shalit explained that healthcare providers often confuse sexual identity with sexual behavior.
“Someone might be 80 years old, identify as gay, and not have had sex for 30 years—but being identified as gay is still very important to them.”
Likewise, physicians shouldn’t assume older adults are no longer sexually active simply because of their age.
“Let the patient tell you who they are and what they do,” he said.
That philosophy resonated throughout the discussion.
Dr. Tara offered one of the afternoon’s most memorable analogies.
“Your story is your house,” she explained. “It has a lot of windows, and you choose which window to open for me.”
Rather than believing they know everything about a patient, providers should recognize that trust develops over time.
Dr. Naima Munir added that intimacy extends well beyond sexual activity.
“It’s about feeling safe, emotional relationships, love and connection.”
Those conversations, she said, deserve to continue regardless of someone’s age.
Chosen Family Can Save Lives
Another recurring theme was community.
Many panelists spoke about moving to Seattle and discovering chosen families that allowed them to become fully themselves.
“My found family in Seattle is the main thing for me now,” Petrie reflected.
Sean acknowledged that while today’s political climate sometimes makes her feel less safe than in previous years, community remains a powerful source of protection.
“It’s nice to be around people that love you and accept you and give you a safe space.”
Pamela noted that watching LGBTQ+ elders continue growing provides hope for younger generations.
“My future is someone who gets to keep exploring… my identity never stops evolving.”
It was one of the day’s most hopeful reminders that aging doesn’t end personal growth—it expands it.
Lessons for Everyone
As the discussion concluded, panelists were asked what they hoped attendees would remember.
Sean encouraged everyone to begin with kindness.
“Don’t assume the person you’re talking to is straight—or gay. Just accept them as a human being.”
Joan Petrie emphasized inclusion.
“Elder people—especially queer elder people—are important and need to feel included.”
John Brunell returned to Shakespeare’s famous advice.
“Be authentic all the time. If somebody doesn’t value who you are, walk away.”
Dr. Shalit added that visibility itself can become an act of healing.
“When we’re open about who we are, we help someone else who’s still struggling.”
Finally, Dr. Tara reflected on the resilience she witnessed throughout the afternoon.
“Behind every smile today has been so much resilience and so much trauma. I’m going to remember that—and not make assumptions.”
